Who am I now? If I am not what I was?

 20 years ago, I left my life as I knew it to begin a new.  During that time one of the most important questions I grappled with was; Who Am I if I am not a (insert career)  Then I remember getting a piece of paper and writing all of the answers I could think of to that question.

Who Am I if I Am Not A... Court Services Supervisor, Probation Officer, successful career person, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, leader, cousin, aunt...?  What I found is that I had no clue who I was if I was not identified by some title.  No Clue!  So then the next question was; What do you like to do?  I thought and thought and could not think of one thing that really got me excited!  People and books asked, What did you like to do when you were a little girl?  Again, after much thought, I really had, No Clue! (Remember this was 20 years ago.)

Flash forward to today.  I have lived in Sedona, Arizona for about 20 years.  I did not go back to a career in the court system or social work.  Instead I decided to try on different jobs and see what I liked.  I've played with colors and become an artist and enjoy quiet time and busy time.  With all of the different types of work I have tried out, what I have found is most important is that I am working with people. 

A few years ago I was the Assistant Manager of an Art Store similar to a coop except the artists do not have to work there.  I really enjoyed that position.  Learning from and supporting artists as well as the community of tourists from around the world. I lost that position a few years ago. The manager simply said I was not glowing like I did when she hired me, so she let me go.  So absurd I could not take it personally.  Although, you know I did.  I was fired for no cause and nothing I could do about it! 

 

I collected unemployment for two months and then found another position.  Good pay, too many hours and REAL Work, 8+ hours per day.  I literally found myself wanting a drink after work.  After a few months I realized the toll it was taking on me and six months later in the midst of a Global Pandemic occurring I decided it was not worth putting my life in danger on a daily basis.  They thought the pandemic was a joke, no wearing masks, no social distancing and I decided it was enough. It has now been 6 months since I quit working.  I applied for Social Security as I need an income, but it's not enough and I would like to get out in the community.  We have a vaccine for the Covid19 Virus that caused the pandemic and we are all hoping we can get back to life.    

 

I no longer need to ask myself, Who am I?  I know who I am and I can be pretty complex and who I am really has little to do with the job I hold.  I've always said I like working with people, but now I realize I do not want to work with people in all situations.  I want them happy and feeling good and enjoying life.  I am an educated social service person who has always been interested in helping her fellow human.  I feel like I'm done with that now.  I've interviewed for a few positions that would have required me to work with cancer patients or mental health issues and I've come to realize I just don't want to be a "in the service industry or helping profession" anymore!

 

I know today there are many of us looking for work, deciding what to do with our time and how to bring in an income.  Is it worth putting our life at risk to do whatever?  For many there is no choice, they must work regardless of the risk.  I am blessed to be old enough to quit my job and know I would not starve.  I also have my husband who of course has an income, and between the two of us we are okay.  However, we do not know what the future holds, if we will be able to keep up with all of our expenses long term.  

Now the question becomes, Do I get a job, any ole job to get some extra cash, or Do I continue to search for something I would like to do, somewhere I would like to go, doing something I care about doing?  

Please leave your thoughts and ideas in the comments section. 

 

 

 

Thank You Mom!

Mom in her 20's

Three years ago I wrote the blog below.  I was so happy and sad, as while my Mom was in Sedona for our wedding we noticed something was not quite right with her.  Because of that, Hunny and I canceled our Honeymoon trip and went to Minnesota for an extended period of time so that I could see what was going on with my her.   



By October of 2015 she was diagnosed with Diabetes and Dementia and the doctor recommended we move her to an apartment in an Assisted Living facility.  During the remainder of 2015 thru 2017 my Mom had to deal with three moves until she settled in a place that seems to work for her and us.  It was not an easy few years. I am the person who has been responsible for her finances and had to take a few trips to Minnesota to help arrange things.  Thank God for my nieces and my cousin as I could not have dealt with those first two years on my own.  

I was quite surprised at the amount of grief, sadness and anger I had to deal with during that time.  It was almost like I lost my own life for a while.  I realize now I was grieving the loss of the Mother I knew, the one that was always strong!  The one that was always there for me!  It was time for me to be there for her and living so far away made it difficult.  My brothers have now stepped up to provide more support and assistance and I am so grateful for that.   

Connie and Ted Garcia

My Mom is doing quite well now.  She has a good support system around her and has been in the same facility for almost a year.  She is happy and only wishes she could see all of her children more.  In short conversations I do not notice the dementia and she allows that wisdom of hers to surface when I need her too.  We are blessed she is still with us and managing quite well.  She still remembers all of us and I pray that continues as long as possible

Mom at her 80th Birthday in 2015

In honor of her and another Mothers Day I share this blog again.
In Gratitude, Linda G
  


May 10, 2015

To my Mom, Thank You!

I was married two weeks ago today, and was so happy that my Mother was able to attend the wedding.  I live in Sedona, Arizona and my Mom lives in St Paul, Minnesota.  She has never been much of a traveler and when she did travel it was with my Dad. (Usually by car.)  My Dad passed on, almost seven years ago and in that time she has only traveled once and it was by car.  For my Mom to take a plane and travel into the mountains took her way out of her comfort zone.  But she did it!  To attend my wedding and be there for me, even though she did not understand it, meant more than I can say. (It was an outdoor wedding not blessed by the Catholic Church.)  Special thanks to my cousins for traveling with her. 

I do not think she has any clue as to how much of an inspiration she has been to me.  She was born in the US but grew up in Mexico.  She moved to Minnesota at the age of 21, pregnant and running for her life.  Her first husband was abusive, and she felt if she wanted her and her child (my sister) to have a good life she needed to leave him.  She had family in Minnesota and thus journeyed there.  I can’t imagine the strength and courage that must have taken.  Moving to a new country where they spoke a different language. She is a strong and determined woman and had a wonderfully successful life and marriage.

No she was not perfect!  But never for a moment in my entire life have I ever doubted that she loved me.  I believe that is one of the most important gifts a parent can give us, Love completely, totally and unconditionally.  Doesn’t mean she approved of or liked everything we did, but she always loved us.

It takes courage to be a Mom and raise your children with as much love as you can muster.  I never had a child of my own, but helped my Sister with her children.  Being an Auntie is important too, so whether you are a Mom or an Aunt, know that the love you share with a child is one of the most important gifts you will ever give.

To my Mom, Thank you for being the best Mom you could be for me and my siblings.  Thanks for showing us to be strong and stand up for ourselves and to be loving and kind and help others when in need. Thanks for the encouragement and even the push to do more and be more and for teaching us by example.

Whether your Mom was as strong as mine or not, I trust that she loved and took care of you in the best way she could.  Forgive her weaknesses and honor her strengths.  Love her like you desire to be loved.  Allow any healing to occur.  And if you are a parent love your children to the nth degree.

With much gratitude on this and every Mothers Day.

Linda G

March for our Lives, Children of the United States of America are living in a war zone!

Today is March 24^th, 2018 and millions of people stood up in protest supporting young people’s “Marching for Our Lives Revolution.”  All over the world people stood with these kid, every time the subject of how these kids are protesting and waking the world up to the violence I am stunned!  I want to cry and often do.  It is so hard to comprehend that these Kids across Our Country… My Country are scared!  Every single day of their lives!  

I feel so sad.  I can only imagine what it must be like to live in a war zone and I cry for the children as they do live in a war zone.  I have a hard time thinking about this (I take a deep breath) and I realize that somehow or other there is a war going on in our own country and we never even saw it.  Until this moment of writing, I did not see it.  

As I breathe through this thought I am astonished at how much that statement somehow makes sense or feels right.  How crazy is it to think that we are at war.  These kids wake up in the morning and go to school.  Because of their present day experiences, whether on television or in their community, they fear someone may come into their school and randomly shoot them.  They have drills in the schools teaching kids what to do “just in case” a shooter comes to their school.  OMG and WTF!  The last time there were drills like that in schools we were at war!  I am in Shock!

I stop and think of my life and how blessed I am and have been.  It hasn’t always flowed easily, there were ups and downs, but I was 26 years old before I realized I was not invincible.  I think that’s pretty amazing.  I lost that invincible feeling after I was the victim of a crime.  I healed from that crime, which had me scared for a while, but I no longer lived in fear on a daily basis, it was not a long term fear for my life.  Most kids in this country are in fear for their life on a daily basis. 

Reality check, is most of the American public in fear for their life on a daily basis?  Am I in fear for my life?  I was born and raised in Minnesota, lived only 90 miles from the Canadian border for 20 years of my life.  Now living in Arizona looking the way I do, I do not leave home without my driver’s license.  I need to have proof that I am an American Citizen.  I do not want to be deported, I can’t speak Spanish.  

I was too young in the 60’s to get involved in protests and rallies but I always wished I could have been there.  In 1980 I had a chance to go to Washington DC to March with Migrant Farm Workers, for working conditions or pay… I don’t recall.  I was in college and the President of the Latino Student Organization and it made sense and is one of the highlights of my life.  I finally got to protest and listen to amazing speakers like Jesse Jackson.  I was not in fear, my reason for being there was to support others in their quest for the American Dream. 

In the last few years there have been many things I have witnessed that caused me to want to get out and protest.  I almost made it to the Woman’s March, but it was snowy and rainy and I couldn’t get myself to leave the warm comfortable living room.  I watched it live on TV.  It's hard for us to move out of our comfort zone.  It is safer to support from a distance.  I know I can write my congress person and my Senators, but what else can I do?

 

Marching for Our Lives seems to have struck a deep cord within me.  I’ve been pretty angry, upset and then resigned over the last few years as I am appalled at what is happening in our Country.  Deep down I have believed that something was going to happen to make a huge shift. To open our eyes in mass so that we can stop the decimation of our world.  I would have never expected it to be that kids are being shot down and murdered at school.  

I am not sure exactly what I feel at this moment with the thought floating through my being that the Children of the United States of America are living in a war zone.  We are all living in a war zone and we don’t even know it!  How did we let this happen?

A friend of mine was in Washington D.C. for the march today.  She said it feels different.  She has hope for the future after attending the rally in D.C. I watched a few clips from the March and I thought these kids were very well spoken, uplifting and positive. 

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!  It’s time for a change!  Never Again!  And Vote them out!  These are the statements from this group of young people who are fighting for their lives.  In a non-violent manner demanding change.  

What will you do to stop the war in America?

In Gratitude,

Linda G 

Do you Trust in the Universe?

Backyard view, different day

Sitting in the back yard de-stressing and getting grounded in my life again, I began looking around at everything. Thunder Mountain in the distance, Coffee Pot Rock framed between two pine trees and of course the beautiful blue sky of Sedona, with a puffy white cloud floating by. Feet planted solidly on the ground, taking deep deep breaths and looking slowly in all directions I began to feel like me again.  As I moved my vision closer, I watched a bird sitting on the very top of a tree, the highest point a mere twig. Then the wind blew through the trees causing the branches to sway. The bird remained unconcerned sitting on that little branch, moving back and forth, flowing with the breeze. It reminded me of the importance of allowing myself to flow with life.  To be in the allowing, rather then the controlling.

Now in a state of being one with the all, I asked a question. "What would happen if I allowed myself to flow where ever I was led, each day? What would happen if I decided it was okay not to know what I want to do next? To just follow the flow?"

As I write this I ask myself, “Do I know how to follow the flow? Have I ever done this before?” The answer is, “yes I have done this before.” It has not been easy to follow the flow lately.  When I get out of sinc with my own rhythm I get stressed out and find it is not long before I try to control everything.  I hate to admit, sometimes it takes me to long to realize I am trying to control everything, causing stress for others as well as myself. 

Taking the time to just be, to get lost in the shadows and beauty of the mountain, of the bird on the top of that tree, of the ant carrying a twig across the yard.  This calms me down, physically, mentally and emotionally.  The stress that existed in my being when I first came out to the backyard have been released.  

Taking the time to "de-stress" is not the normal way of being in our culture.  We are encouraged to go, go, go...  do, do, do... and at the end of all of that we are tired, burned out and not interested in much of anything else in life.  Living a high stress life leads to illness and disease both mental and physical.  I've been there and I hope to never go back.

I have to remind myself; "Sit, be quiet, look at all around you and breathe.  Breathe deeply in gratitude for the life that you have and the joy that you share.  Allow the Sun to recharge you as you plant your bare feet on the ground.  Feel the pulse of Mother Earth as the breeze tousles your hair and know you are one with everything."

Following the flow to me means being in touch with my feelings.  Checking in with myself to see what my energy level is and how much effort I am able to put into projects. It means giving myself permission to stay home rather than visit my friend or to watch a movie rather than paint today.  It means taking care of myself so I have the energy to flow where I am needed.  

Like the little bird on the top of that tree branch, going with the flow means I trust in the Universe that all is in perfect order!

In Gratitude,

Linda G.

Do you have these experiences?  Where you feel like you have too much on your plate or things are not going your way or are out of control?  How do you deal with these issues?  How do you take care of you?